just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
