i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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