Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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