So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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