he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is Oprah even human
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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