Don't you send me to vm
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
