I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize