Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
