My Higher Power is John Stamos
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
