She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize