Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
