Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
