I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
