My Higher Power is John Stamos
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize