So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
