I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
