I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I party with great urgency now.
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