spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
