dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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