She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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