Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
