Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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