I must be too annoying 4 u.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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