I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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