I'm going to jail i love you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
