I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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