Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
