I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
