On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
