Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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