I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
