I puked a lego.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
