Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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