Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
my poor anus
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
