Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
