just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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