im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
