you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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