my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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