i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you traded sex for a burrito?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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