Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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