What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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