But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
