there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
