When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
