Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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