I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
