So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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