The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
cat food counts as protein by the way
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
