She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
