Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
