I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
