they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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