so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
