oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
