I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
