i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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