Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
